Thursday, 8 October 2015

Oh, what a night, II

 …a bit later:

I’m slowly waking up. My body feels heavy and sleepy; my paws slightly sore. I’m basking in the afterglow of a fantastic night. Memories of a Great Hunt, some awesome stalking and images of me running over moon-lit rooftops are gently floating through my mind. I purr at the thought of them.
In the background I can hear the humans talking. They are probably drinking their cup of coffee to help them wake up. As I am picking up snippets of their conversation, a slight sense of discomfort is creeping in. 
What are they saying? 
Are they actually talking about ME? 
Yes, I think they are.
My discomfort increases, with a big dollop of astonishment. That beautiful sense of peace and contentment I had is completely shattered as I slowly comprehend what they are talking about.....

Apparently, The Elegant Lady was crying in her midnight-cup-of-tea; thinking I was lost. (Eh, since when is she even awake at midnight, let alone drink a cup of tea?)

She then walked in the backyard in her nighty, rattling my biscuit box. (Yes, I heard her. I wasn’t hungry.)

The Gentle Man woke up as well and together they walked along the main road in their dressing gowns – looking for the body of a dead, black cat….. (WHAAAT?!?! ME?!?! Don’t they know I have nine lives?)

They were freaking out because it is such a busy road. (No, not at night, that is.)

Boy, they are a bunch of worrywarts; not to mention spoilsports.
Not a word to me like: ‘Did you have good night?’. Or: ‘My, you look satisfied.’ How about: ‘Did you clear this area of pesky rodents? Good boy!’ (All accompanied by a little tickle under my chin.)
No. Not a word of appreciation. No cuddles either. Instead, She is complaining about the lack of sleep and He is comforting Her. They both thought they lost me. They thought I was either dead or locked in someone’s garage, never to return.
Just as I think I’ve had enough of all this rubbish, He turns to me and gives me a pat on the head. ‘Glad you’re back Mooch, glad you’re back’, he says.

Humans. Can’t live without them I guess….

Friday, 17 July 2015

Oh, what a night!

'Oh my, what a night! I just came home from what must have been one of those glorious nights like you experience only a few times in your lifetime. Absolutely perfect! The sun has yet to come up. I reckon I’ll just get a whisker of sleep before breakfast.
We moved house a few months ago, and since we moved in here, I’ve hardly been out at all. Frankly, times have been hard. For some reason They kept me inside or, when I did go outside, I was on a leash. Me! A grown cat! As if I'm an irresponsible kitten. 

(And don't get me started about the time I bungee-jumped off the verandah to catch a bird. To make a long story short: I didn't catch the bird and it was a good thing my leash was made of elastic.... grumble....that was a downer.)

I was also pissed off with Them for taking me away from Catwoman. They called it ‘moving-into-a-new-place’. Well, new is not always better; any feline can tell you that. However, I needed some time to get used to this new place - its occupants and its smells. You know the routine - find out where I can hide, where I can sleep, and where I can just simply watch the world go by. I have come to the conclusion that there is no real danger for me here, although it has taken a while.
On the whole, like any other self-respecting feline, I like to be safe and have my routine. Any deviation from that routine can cause some upset. But there are times when my old blood sings; when nature and adventure beckon. The lure of the wild, the need to run, the desire to rekindle the ferocity of my feline ancestors, (or even my current African cousins.)
Tonight was the night, deep within my bones, I sensed the call.
I was prepared. I waited for someone to open the back door and I slipped through as they entered.
And then I ran. I ran free, unbridled, unrestricted, unfettered. I had the night to myself. I had the time to do all things feline. I ran some more, I stalked, I sniffed, I climbed a tree, I jumped down, climbed another, crept along a branch, slid down its bark and back to the ground. Up again, on to a wall, a ledge and then: a roof! And then another roof. Freedom. Freedom is cool. I like rooftops too. I like to dash over tiles or wobbly metal. Too fast for the neighbour's cat. He’s such a dork anyway…. 

At various times during the night I heard The Elegant Lady calling my name. She even rattled the box with my favourite biscuits. Last night however, her tricks were not going to work on me….

I came home on my own account; which was about five minutes ago. The Elegant Lady was ever so happy to see me. I only had to meow once before she let me in. Consequently, she cuddled me and gave me biscuits. Amazing! Even the Humans behaved themselves perfectly tonight! 
I can now curl up in my favourite spot and close those peepers for a while!'

To be continued....

Sunday, 7 June 2015

Oh my....Humans are such slow learners....

‘Oh my, what a day. Humans can be so thick. Their assessment of certain situations is so slow. Also, their ability to turn something simple into something complicated is absolutely staggering.
The day started as per usual. All was well in my world. My daiIy routine went as per normal. I like routine. It makes life safe and comforting.

Today, everything went fine. It wasn’t until somewhere in the afternoon that I started to realize that something was wrong. Something smelled wrong.
In case of doubt, always follow your nose, and in this case it had a strong reptilian scent to it.
Reptilian equals Bad.
Very bad.
Despite this, The Elegant Lady did put on her gumboots in order to go for a walk. She likes wearing her gumboots in summer, because she is afraid of snakes. She thinks those high, cloncky boots will give her some protection if she were to step on a snake.
Yeah, as if….

So, here She was, boots and all, urging me to go with her. Again, going for a walk in the afternoon is something we usually do. It is part of my daily routine, which I greatly value. Nevertheless, today I was sitting safely behind the screen door, trying to work out the level of danger to which She seemed oblivious. The scent was by now very strong and I was not at all keen to go out. Despite her fear of snakes, the scent and my hesitance, She still didn't get it. Noooo, instead, She opened the screen door and waited for me to come out. I didn’t want to go outside! What was She thinking? Nevertheless, She bent down and tried to pull me outside. I completely tensed up, and whilst being bent over, she peered between her legs. That’s when She spotted him. He was right behind her, between the pot plants. (I have to give it to them: they do know how to blend in.)
She reacted as if stung by a bee. She screamed something unintelligible, jumped INSIDE and closed the door, leaving me OUTSIDE, right in front of a huge snake.
I was stunned. I mean, it is not as if he was a great threat to her, boots or no boots. He was a big snake, but humans are still way to big for him to eat. Me, however, was the perfect size for a tasty, little snack.
Out came The Gentle Man to the rescue. He swooped outside (on his bare feet; no boots), scruffed me and whisked me back inside.

The Elegant Lady was still whimpering.

He called out for a tube. She came with a plastic tube.

‘Nono, wrong tube.’

‘But I don’t know what you want’, she whined.

‘You look after the snake, and I’ll go and get it. DON’T let him out of your sight’.

So, there She was, looking rather frightened, whilst He made what appeared to be a snake catcher. I am by now confused: I sure don’t want them to catch a snake. Kill it, yes, but why catch it? Surely we don’t want to keep him? Or maybe they’ll eat him? But no, they normally don’t catch their meat; they buy it instead.
Meanwhile, He came out with a metal tube that had a piece of rope poking out of one end to form a loop. He was also carrying a box. (I have to say I really didn’t know what this was all about. What’s wrong with simply swiping the snake really hard with a clawed paw? I mean, I was too small for this snake, but The Gentle Man is big enough. Oh, of course – they have this anatomical flaw, characteristic of lesser mammals, non-retractable claws, that I think they refer to as “nails”).

Snakes are not very smart, and this one was no exemption. He simply slid his head through the loop, without so much as a hint that he noticed anything was wrong. The Gentle Man tightened the loop and wrestled him into the box. To my great relief, the Humans didn’t take the box inside. Instead, They put it in the car and drove away. Hah, I was hoping he’d get carsick.
Anyway, I could breathe a bit easier now the scent in the house returned to normal. The Humans returned, with an empty box. From their conversation I understood that They had released him in a forest, far, far away. It appears that The Gentle Man had stayed true to his nature. He had let the snake live, because he saw no reason to kill it. It took a long and complicated procedure, but hey, that’s humans for you.

We survived the crisis and all I have to do now, is some serious grooming. I’ll also pester Them for some extra biscuits. In my humble opinion I definitely deserve pampering, pandering and cuddles….’  

Sunday, 17 May 2015

The definition of a GOOD day!

‘Today was a GOOD day! All went well, nothing unusual or unexpected happened. I ate at the right times, I snoozed at the right times, went out at the right time…. All very satisfactory!

One thing that most people should know about felines, is that we value a well-established routine. Routines are good. They make us feel safe. 
The moment Humans start talking about trips, our hair stands on end. 
The moment a Human comes with a pot of paint, a roller and starts taking things off the wall, we go into hiding. Renovations are NOT appreciated. The sound of drills, saws and vacuum cleaners make us run a mile.

Redecorations are slightly different though. Bringing home a new printer or side table is quite all right. They usually come with boxes and bubble wrap, which seem to be irresistible. The Christmas decorations also have a great appeal. In fact, they are very dear to many of us. We greatly enjoy the baubles and tinsel, and will gladly assist you with their arrangement.

My own routine goes like this: the first thing is waking the humans from their slumber, to make it perfectly clear that I need some biscuits. It is a very simple procedure, yet they are sometimes very slow to comprehend.
Basically, what I do is: I jump on the bed, walk all over them, make cute, chirrupy sounds and bump their faces. I do not settle down for a cuddle. Instead, once there is some reaction (any ‘hrrmph” will do), I jump back down and move towards the door. If they don’t follow I repeat the whole sequence.
After I get the desired response (aka biscuits), I go out for a stroll. About an hour or so later I make sure to be back home, because by now the humans will be preparing their breakfast. I just know that if I'm present and sound cute, some tasty little snacks like bits of cheese, butter and ham will come my way. You may call this my 'second breakfast'. They seem to call it 'Titbits'. 
Indeed, this day bits of cheese and ham found their way to me. After that, I always have a nice, long snooze in the bedroom, for which I resurface somewhere late in the afternoon. By then it is time for our afternoon stroll. The Humans are slow, but they are good company. They admire my sprints for one thing, and are ridiculously easy to beat. Today, they both walked with me, wearing their big boots and sipping from glasses of bubbly stuff. 
The sun was getting low in the sky. To me, this indicates time for my dinner. I make sure the Humans don’t forget it, by miaowing, and jumping up and down. My personal menu is very short:
Tinned casserole or tinned tuna.
Today is was casserole.
Evenings are the right time to go out; I check the roof or scout the area for vermin. By the time I want to come back in, I just hang in the window screen of the bedroom. It seems to make it clear to the Humans that I want to come back in, and they will open the door. After that, I join them in the bedroom for the night.

So, today all has gone well. No adventure, no strange cats, no snakes, no strange food, and the Humans behaved themselves. In short, a perfect day!’

Wednesday, 4 March 2015


Phooey, it has been a challenging time. No peace and quiet around here. The elegant lady has had her head in the clouds for a while, talking about 'our wedding', 'my dress', 'cards' and 'food'. Not that that had a negative impact on me mind you. I still got my food and my cuddles. In fact, I was actually looking forward to the thing they called 'holiday' in which the wedding would take place. It would mean that the Gentle Man would be at home, relaxed, and we would be at Kin Kin for a few weeks. No trips in the car, just the peace and wildlife of home. We did go there for a few weeks, however, sadly, we were not alone. First, there were the Gentle Man's kids. They were alright. They were clearly used to cats, adoring me with the appropriate level of pampering, but then came the 'wedding guests'. Numbers swelled. Dreadful. So much for everything being bigger and better here in Kin Kin. This time the house was full. Chockers. If I wanted some privacy, I had to withdraw to one of the wardrobes. Things can be a little bit hot here between the clothes, but at least it smells nice.

Two eyes glaring back at the Elegant Lady from the back go the wardrobe..

The day before the wedding, people started to arrive. There were cars all around the place and strange little domes sprouted up on the grass. I learned a new word. These domes, I discovered are referred to as 'Tents'. Well, I was hoping they would all soon be in the past. For the wedding day itself, I made myself scarce and withdrew to my cosy hideaway in the wardrobe. The Elegant Lady came to see me. Her big head appeared up-side-down in front of my shelve. These humans are so big, they have to bend over in order to see me. She tried to persuade me to come and see these people. 'You have seen them all before', she argued. 'They adored you when you were a kitten.' There was a pause, and then she continued, 'Some are asking about you, you know.' Yes, I had heard it, and no, I am not interested. I am not some silly little kitten anymore that will be nice and cute to just anyone. No, I am a grown cat: I have my dignity. And I want my peace and quiet. The Elegant Lady drooped off after that. I remained peacefully, and stubbornly, in the wardrobe, surrounded by shirts and socks and jocks.


I eventually did come out. For food, of course. After that I fled outside, and took refuge on the roof. Great place, the roof. I can see for miles, which makes it very safe. No human was coming to pester me for cuddles. From here, I could see the spectacle, and a spectacle it was. The humans had been quite busy; there were big tents with lovely lights all over them, tables and chairs so they could sit down for dinner, which by now smelled absolutely delicious.
The Elegant Lady came outside and looked quite glittery: long shimmering dress, glitter in her hair, glitter on her shoes. Oh my, I reckon she must be compensating for the lack of fur. (Humans do that all the time. I, however, don't have to do all these silly things to be gorgeous. In fact, I have to hide in order to have some privacy.) 
Anyway, in the spectacle before me, She was striding towards the Gentle Man like a shining beam of light, while he was waiting for her in the field. There they held hands, and looked at each other with puppy-dog eyes. They didn't say much; instead another gentleman did all the talking. All They said from time to time was 'I do', in strange, strangled voices. Then They kissed. Cameras flashed and everyone went like 'Ooh' and 'Aah', as if it was a big thing. (Huh, they kiss all the time. What's so special?!) After that, they signed some paperwork, smiled some more whilst drinking their beloved 'bubblies'. Out of the speakers someone crooned 'What a Wonderful World' and by now the whole group looked rather soppy. Apparently, my Elegant Lady and Gentle Man are now husband and wife.